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The Day God Broke My Heart

Though he slay me, yet will I trust him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him.
                                                             Job 13:15

Five months ago, I received a call at 2:20 in the morning that left my world as I knew it, shattered. It was a phone call from my sister telling me that my 28 yr old nephew (her son) was gone. He had been gunned down 10ft from where he lived after arriving home from work. I was shocked; in disbelief; in awe. My first question was "Why? 'Why would someone want to hurt him."' He was so sweet and gentle in spirit, loved helping people, a hard worker, and a good role model for those who knew him as well as those watching from afar.

So knowing what I knew about my nephew, I could not believe this had happened to him; that this was his fate. My question turned from "Why? to How?" How could this happen to someone who didn't bother anyone. He wasn't confrontational, was loved by all his peers as well as others who knew him. "So how could this happen? or better yet, 'How could you (God) let this happen?"'

My mind wrestled with this for months. The carnal part of me wanted to be upset with God-you know, like Martha in John 11:21, "...Lord if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died." (In my case, "My nephew would not have died.") But the spirit part of me said, "You were there and You allowed it to happen. You must have a good reason for it." Then my carnal mind would say, "This pain is unbearable. How could you let this happen?" The spiritual part of me would say, "I will trust You even though I can't trace You in this situation."

Back and forth these two sides converse with God - pain/hurt vs God's Word; what I was experiencing vs what I knew to be true of God; my human nature vs my spiritual nature. I would love to tell you that I came to a resolve in a few days, but I didn't. This goes on for months. Some people often think that because someone is a Christian, they don't experience pain or suffering. But that's simply not true. We experience it too. And we respond humanly too. We just don't stay there. We know there comes a point where we have to choose between what we see (the natural) and what we know to be true of God and His Word (supernatural). And each one of us comes to this resolve in our own way, in our own time.

The above scripture from Job 13:15 became one of many scriptures that I have had to say to remind myself not to allow the pain of this experience to be a reason for me to walk away from my faith in God. I remind myself of what I know to true about God and my relationship with Him. I stand firm on this knowledge through the tears, the sleepless nights, the lingering questions, the disbelief, and disappointment. And though I don't understand and may never understand why or how this happened, like Job said, "Though he slay me, yet shall I trust him." Be Blessed!

 

9 Comments to The Day God Broke My Heart:

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Alishia on Monday, February 18, 2019 5:37 AM
Thanks. Someone with the same story like me. Very interesting.
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Jessica McIntee on Wednesday, February 20, 2019 10:19 AM
After reading this blog, I took a few days to ponder and think of a response. It's interesting how was can be upset with God, but also depend on Him for healing. Knowing that He is in total control also plays a part in how we can feel. God knows our heart, He knows our exact emotion, He also know exactly what we need. When the flesh and spirit wrestles, that is tiresome. "Though He slay me, yet shall I trust him". That is the best action to take. I know I have said this before, but I will also say this again. I am so sorry for your loss.
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